Time

I went to an interesting writer’s workshop today, during which the presenter asked us whether or not we give ourselves permission to make time to write. Because one thing that is true for almost every writer, writing isn’t all we do, and other things often take precedence over our writing. She said that if our writing is meaningful to us, we must take the time. It’s important.

I wanted to say something about our families and that THEY don’t always allow us the time to write but, ironically, we ran out of time. Now I wish I’d said something.

Skip to the present.

My ex has two of our kids right now. I’m having a weekend off. I just got a text from him to say that because I didn’t answer messages from his mother about graduation pictures, and his girlfriend about what our youngest son wants for Christmas (yes, she’s already thinking about Christmas) that he has no faith in me. I answered, “I’m still waiting for graduation pictures (care to pay for them?) and I have no idea what he wants for Xmas. Why don’t you ask him? And what do you mean you have no faith in me? Who the fuck looks after them 90% of the time? I’m sorry I forgot to reply. I was busy looking after YOUR kids. All three of them.”

To which he replied, “You were busy doing nothing but you think you were doing something. Wake up and smell the fucking life.”

I have soooo had it with him. I’m trying to get a career going, between writing and taking editing courses, but from the outside it looks like a time-wasting hobby. I know that. I already feel as guilty as fuck that I’m not doing more. But what can I do when I’m looking after two disabled kids, alone, one of which is home 24/7 since he graduated? I have no support other than a babysitter and my eldest son. I can’t go out and work. I have a hard time making decisions for my kids who can’t. And where is my ex? He moved and bought a house 3 hours’ drive away from us and he’s taken the kids this weekend for the first time in 5 weeks. Normally, when he does have them, he stays home and I have to move out of my own fucking house! Spend money on hotels and meals just so I can get a break… and he has no faith in me? In me?

I’m fucking livid.

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20 thoughts on “Time

  1. And you have right to be and what a presumption to say “β€œYou were busy doing nothing but you think you were doing something. Wake up and smell the fucking life.”” I see this sort of attitude happening in my family with my daughter and her ex-husband who sees his boys when the whim comes to him…….you know what you are doing and you know the reality of your day to day while he plays pretend good time dad…..stick to your guns and be the great mum you are….and look after you, they need you….

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  2. Shame on him. (And the rest of the parents like him!)
    Time will tell and lemme tell you, time will tell you did a great job. It’s a thankless job, and no one will ever know how much you did, how much you sacrificed FOR LOVE, and that’s why only the strongest, only the most humble, most loving can do it. ❀

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  3. Joey covered a lot of good ground. When people who do nothing/little complain about the people who do most/all of the work, it’s one of two things (totally my opinion here). 1) they feel guilty. Would that that were the case more often, but 2) They are upset because there is something in their life that they can’t control. With respect to the folks in category two, in my experience (I’m a computer guy, not a psychologist) most things would be better off escaping their control.

    Stay strong – your may seem like a thankless job, but I’ll bet your kids understand and love you for doing it.

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    • Haha! Yes, in the case of my ex, I fear that if he’s ever totally in control of my kids they will lack what they have now. Thanks for your support, Dan. πŸ™‚ Your words mean a lot to me.

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  4. Time he fucking smelled the shit of the life he’s left you with. Absence makes the head forget. Fuck him having no faith in you — I have no faith in him and his new squeeze. He has them as a play date, you have the kids as a life date. Guy’s a jerk!
    Sorry I barraged in and intruded but “rant” and I are like magnets (coming over from Michael’s blog) And your secret is certainly safe with me . . . . Isabella.

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    • You’ve nailed down the bare bones of the situation and I appreciate that. Thanks very much for your support, regardless of the fact we’re strangers. Put into another context, on meeting on the street you seem like the sort of person who would help a gal out. Nothing better than that.
      As for your PPS, anyone who makes anything public (like this rant) is open to the opinion of anyone who clicks on it. I welcome your two cents any time. πŸ™‚

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  5. Oh, oh, OH, SO MUCH THIS!

    My ex was most certainly of the “time wasting hobby” opinion and it really fucking pissed me off, especially since I was also holding down a full time job and she wasn’t.
    Rhonda, however, to whom I used to send previews of posts, (back when we were just friends on opposite sides of the Atlantic) because she regularly said nice things about the blog, is inordinately proud of my modest achievements and actively encourages my hobby of making stupid shit up for fun. She makes sure I get some peace and quiet on Sunday (for Stream of consciousness Saturday, obviously) and always plugs everything I do and tells everyone how brilliant her author husband is.
    Not only does it make me love her all the more, it also actually IMPROVES my writing, because I’m more relaxed, less conscious of “wasting time” on a pointless hobby and more creative generally. Because I don’t have to worry that I’m going to get moaned at for sitting at the dining table for hours making daft stop frame animations for no particular reason, or going out on my own to sit next to a dark road to take long exposure photos of traffic at night, or sit in the garden every weekend for eight months and write a novel by mistake, whatever.

    As for your ex, it would be extremely inappropriate of me to voice an opinion about my impression of him, but I think he could probably benefit from Frank teaching him some manners.

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    • Haha! Yeah, send Frank over. πŸ™‚
      It’s funny, my ex used to be supportive. The only thing I can come up with is that he’s jealous that I’m actually doing something with my life, as well as looking after his kids!, and he’s stuck working and doing nothing creative with his time.

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