Stream of Consciousness Saturday – Mother – #SoCS

I don’t like to talk about my mother on my regular blog, but I think I’m okay to talk about her here, where I’m somewhat anonymous. I’m not sure if any of my family follows this blog. I’ve only ever mentioned it once, a long time ago.

My mother is my only parent, my dad having died when I was young. I’m an only child, so it’s just her and me. And my kids, of course. I grew up with her, my dad, and their two best friends. My mother is the only one left. I used to think she was the lucky one, to have survived everyone else. Now I wonder.

She doesn’t remember anything from one minute to the next. She can ask me the same question every 15 seconds for 10 minutes. She’s beginning to lose her long-term memory as well. So I’ve been patient. But it’s not easy.

Lately she’s taken to accusing me of selling all she owned when I moved her into a retirement home. In actuality, she was there for the whole thing. She went through all her stuff and decided what to keep and what not to, she met the auctioneer who sold all she didn’t want. But now she asks me how I could sell everything she owns–her whole life–without telling her I was going to do it. It makes me feel small, guilty even, though I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s tough watching your parents forget. It’s hard to deal with the forgetfulness, the anger, the bewilderment… And yes, I feel just as guilty for saying that maybe she’s not that lucky for having to go through all this. But life is cruel. I’m bewildered myself.

SoCS badge 2015

You can find the rules for Stream of Consciousness Saturday here 


3 Words A Day – Day 3

It’s funny how we can go through months sometimes of not making any life-changing decisions and then boom! we’re confronted with the need to choose between this and that. It’s a time of life when we doubt ourselves the most – are we wrong? Are we right?

Take my mother, for instance. Last year I had the unenviable choice between letting her stay in her own home and moving her into a retirement residence. I opted for the latter, thinking I was doing it for her own good–no matter, she fought against me. Since then her memory has been getting steadily worse, and just last week she was diagnosed with mixed dementia… a lot of dementia with a hint of Alzheimer’s disease.

I made the right choice – I have to believe that. Getting her into a home at this point would probably be near impossible. She’s increasingly paranoid over the smallest things.

Still, it’s been one of the most trying times in my life. Making decisions for someone else, particularly those who’ve cared for YOU in the past, is not an easy task.

We just do our best.

Today’s words: