#tuesdayuseitinasentence – Abandon

“What do you mean there’s no one up there? The crowd’s ready to riot! I don’t care what you have to do, just get a band on the stage!!”

 

This post is part of Tuesday Use It In A Sentence, brought to you by MLW at A Word Adventure. This week’s word is “abandon.” Click here to find out how you can participate!

Next!

You know how you sometimes read something really fast and you read what’s not really there? Hehe.

Two emails in my inbox, the top one reads “I just went for a job interview”
And the second email reads…. wait for it… “I just got some hand me downs.”

What I read: “I just went for a hand job interview.”

I’m thinking that unless the meetings are scheduled at least half an hour apart, the second interviewee stands to come out rather tired…

What I should have said was…

Are you ever so stunned by the things people do – so taken off-guard – that you don’t say anything?

Yesterday I went to the grocery store to buy some of my favourite pasta and arugula salad from the deli counter. I stood there being ignored for a while by the two ladies behind the counter and was about to give up when a young guy in a baseball cap and t-shirt, with nothing to indicate that he worked there, walked behind the glass-fronted display and asked me if he could help me. Since the ladies didn’t kick him out, I assumed he did in fact work there so I asked for a medium. He scooped my salad into the container with a plastic serving spoon, which was all fine, but then when he saw there were bits of arugula hanging over the side, he shoved them in with his bare hand and put the lid on.

And I didn’t say anything.

Now as I sit here enjoying my questionably diseased salad I feel as though the time has come to get my word in edgewise…

If I turn up dead of the plague, you’ll know who to blame.

Yeah, me.

R is for Romance and S is for Sucks – The Longest Ride Movie Review

Okay, so not all romance sucks. There are some Good romantic movies out there, and then there are the Bad and the Ugly. I don’t usually do movie reviews but I really can’t let this one go without at least a mention… which somehow ended up being a long tirade. Go figure.

I don’t know if the novel, The Longest Ride by Nicholas Sparks is any better than the movie – it may be since it seemed to me the directing and the acting was at least as much if not more responsible for the horrific viewing experience I put myself through as the writing… but ugh!

Let’s start with the annoying tittering laugh that came from the lead actress. Actually, that’s not really fair; this should be about the writing, right? Because my A-Z is about writing. So I didn’t mention anything at all about the giggle from hell that made my ears feel like they were being attacked by a cheese grater at the least appropriate times in the movie.

(spoilers ahead)

How about instead I talk about Sparks using every single romantic cliché  known to mankind in one story? And misogynist? Oh boy. The story consists of two separate story lines – one taking place in the present (between Luke and Sophia) and one being told by the character played by Alan Alda (who incidentally saved me from chucking my popcorn and walking out). Both relationships can go nowhere but both couples enter it anyway.  The present day romance is between a professional bullrider and an art student who plans to move to New York for the best job evar. At the same time (but not really because it’s happening in the 1940s,) the other couple, Ira and Ruth (Ira is the young Alda) get married despite the fact that she wants a big family but he’s sterile because of an infection he caught in the war. Basically it’s the same story told twice only we’re supposed to believe Alda is teaching the present-day couple something about their own relationship.

Eventually both couples break up (as they do) and Alda states in the movie something like with love must come sacrifice. So both couples have to have their sacrifice and here’s where the misogyny comes in. Ruth can’t stand being childless anymore so she leaves Ira… with two small suitcases. He gets everything else – the house, the dishes, the heat, the roof etc. Meanwhile Luke, who has been slowly trying to kill himself with the bullriding because OMG it’s all I know how to do! gets hurt and Sophia gives up her job in New York.

We switch back to the past to find out Ruth went back to Ira with her two little suitcases – she probably got tired of squeezing herself into them every night to sleep – and then years later she dies... oooh, what could possibly happen with the other story?

Well surprise! Luke goes on to win the biggest bullriding prize there is! Amid flying bull snot and an eight second ride that lasts, by virtue of slo-mo, about three hours, he becomes The Best in the World!! (It didn’t go unnoticed by the way that there was no one in the competition who didn’t have a Texan accent… but Texas is the world, right?) He flies off the bull and stands in the middle of the bullriding area and looks around at the crowd… she’s not there!!! Oh noes! I’ve done this all for nothing!

Meanwhile, after a visit between Sophia and Ira during which she says to him something to the effect of, I’ve really enjoyed meeting you and talking to you, which actually means, I know you’re going to die now but I’m glad I got to know you before you bit the biscuit, he dies!! Holy shit, did I call that one!

So there’s an auction. Ruth had a priceless collection of art because she was an art student too (duh, same story) and Ira conveniently invited (by way of his lawyer) both Sophia and Luke to attend. To get them back together. Because duh.

There’s a portrait of Ruth being auctioned off first and no one seems to want it. The price goes down and down and then Luke, who has just presumably won a kagillion dollars for being The Best Bullrider in the World buys the portrait for $600, thus cementing the relationship between himself and Sophia for all eternity. The end.

Okay no, there’s one little twist I didn’t mention. So if you too would like to go and see this horribly cliché movie and roll your eyes, giggle in all the wrong spots, and resist the temptation to climb over all the other people in the packed theatre for the final ten minutes of the film, you’ll have something left that I haven’t told you about.

Knock yourself out.

I’m probably going to catch a lot of shit for this review but what the hell. If I can save just one person the money they could otherwise have spent on a bottle of wine or a delicious Big Mac, it’s worth it.

Edit: I suppose since the main character, Luke, lived his entire life in North Carolina, that he has a North Carolinian accent – all sounds Texan to me. But what do I know? I’m Canadian, eh?

EM is for Menstruation

My A-Z Challenge this year contains posts about writing adult content in fiction – you will not find any adult fiction within the parameters of the challenge, except for illustration purposes.

People are going to hate me for this, but I gotta say it. The “controversy” all started with the “iconic” scene in 50 Shades of Grey where *gasp* Christian Grey removed a tampon from Ana’s down there before he mounted her. And women all over the world tittered or threw up. What. The. Fuck.

Oh but it’s so sickening! they cry. To remove a foreign object from the place a man is going to stick his dick -so what?! Is your blood diseased? Are you not clean down there? If not you might want to reconsider those tampons in the first place, ‘coz it ain’t getting any better! And guys – feeling uneasy about the idea of fucking her during her period? Consider this: get her pregnant and your kid’s comin’ outta that same hole with even MORE blood — head-first! Is that sick or what? If you can’t handle the anatomy, get the hell out of the twat!

And grow the fuck up already!

 

J is for Junk (Adult Content)

My A-Z Challenge this year contains posts about writing adult content in fiction – you will not find any adult fiction within the parameters of the challenge, except for illustration purposes.

One of the hardest things I find when writing sex scenes is what to call everything. So many of the common words for breasts: tits, boobs, etc., for the penis: dick, member, etc., and vagina: twat, pussy and so on, not to mention the more flamboyant phrases such as heaving mounds, rock hard man-pole, and warm moist slit, usually make me want to laugh. Depending on the mood of the scene I’ll usually stick to the basics or work my way around them (without resorting to the “down there” of 50 Shades fame.) However, the one thing I consistently have a problem with is the buttocks. Bum? Ass? Lower cheeks? Nothing ever seems to fit into a sex scene for me.

What do you consider the best most serious and actually sexy way to say these things? Better yet, what makes you spit your coffee through your nose?

 

Real conversations in my house 3/21/15

Chris: Mom, where are you?

Me: (calling) I’m in the washroom.

Chris: (a few seconds later, right outside the door. singing) Do you want to build a snowman?

Me: I’m trying to pee.

Chris: (singing) It doesn’t have to be a snowman…

Me: Go away Chris.

Chris: Okay.

Daily Post – The Humble Award

The Daily Prompt today is:
You are receiving an award –- either one that already exists, or a new one created just for you. What would the award be, why are you being honored, and what would you say in your acceptance speech?

*steps up to the podium*
While I’d like to thank all of the people individually who nominated me for the Humble Award, I don’t want to take up your time.

Thank you all for my nothing. It’s more than I deserve.
*steps down to minimal applause*

A real conversation in my house Pt. 3

Well that went downhill fast ~~~~

Chris: Did you eat an egg?

Me: Yes.

Chris: Why did you eat an egg?

Me: Because I like them.

Chris: Did I used to be an egg in your tummy?

Me: Yes.

Chris: Did you have sex with my dad so I could be an egg in your tummy?

Me: Yes.

Chris: Ok.