An update on the ex thing

When I got home the other day (how long has it been now? Five days?) I decided to go ahead and answer my ex’s mother about the graduation pictures she’s been waiting for, and my ex’s girlfriend about the Christmas present. I had mixed results.

I sent my ex-mother-in-law a zip file of a bunch of photos I had. I’m not sure whether or not she opened the zip file – she never answered me back. Payback maybe? Whatever.

As for the ex’s girlfriend, I wrote back and told her that my son has been asking for a Nintendo 3DS for ages, and “it would be great if you could get him that – thanks!” She replied that she talked to my son on the weekend, and he said he wanted clothes and books. Not to be outdone, I replied, “Great! You can get him the 3DS for his birthday (in two weeks) then! ūüėÄ ” She sent back a note to say she thought he already had a DS. I said he does, but they don’t make games for it anymore. She never answered me back.

My only regret is that I’ve already bought him a laptop. The 3DS will be less than half the price. Then again, I’m not holding my breath that they’ll buy it for him.

After all that, I texted my ex and asked him for an apology. The answer I got back was, “Sorry!”

Was that, I’m so sorry I feel like I need to put an exclamation on it? Or was that, I’m sorry! Now shut up and leave me alone!? Probably the latter. You’ve just gotta laugh.

#tuesdayuseitinasentence – Abandon

“What do you mean there’s no one up there? The crowd’s ready to riot! I don’t care what you have to do, just get¬†a band on¬†the stage!!”

 

This post is part of Tuesday Use It In A Sentence, brought to you by MLW at A Word Adventure. This week’s word is “abandon.” Click here to find out how you can participate!

Next!

You know how you sometimes read something really fast and you read what’s not really there? Hehe.

Two emails in my inbox, the top one reads “I just went for a job interview”
And the second email reads…. wait for it… “I just¬†got some hand me downs.”

What I read: “I just went for a hand job interview.”

I’m thinking that unless the meetings are scheduled at least half an hour apart, the second interviewee stands to come out rather tired…

One-Liner Wednesday – Of Pigs and Trolls

‚ÄúNever wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.‚ÄĚ
‚Äē George Bernard Shaw

I think that works well for internet trolls too, don’t you?

Join in One-Liner Wednesday here! http://lindaghill.com/2015/06/17/one-liner-wednesday-everythings-funnier-with-an-axe/

What I should have said was…

Are you ever so stunned by the things people do – so taken off-guard – that you don’t say anything?

Yesterday I went to the grocery store to buy some of my favourite pasta and arugula salad from the deli counter. I stood there being ignored for a while by the two ladies behind the counter and was about to give up when a young guy in a baseball cap and t-shirt, with nothing to indicate that he worked there, walked behind the glass-fronted display and asked me if he could help me. Since the ladies didn’t kick him out, I assumed he did in fact work there so I asked for a medium. He scooped my salad into the container with a plastic serving spoon, which was all fine, but then when he saw there were bits of arugula hanging over the side, he shoved them in with his bare hand and put the lid on.

And I didn’t say anything.

Now as I sit here enjoying my questionably diseased salad I feel as though the time has come to get my word in edgewise…

If I turn up dead of the plague, you’ll know who to blame.

Yeah, me.

R is for Romance and S is for Sucks – The Longest Ride Movie Review

Okay, so not all romance sucks. There are some Good¬†romantic movies out there, and then there are the Bad and the Ugly.¬†I don’t usually do movie reviews but I really can’t let this one go without at least a mention… which somehow ended up being a long tirade. Go figure.

I don’t know if¬†the novel, The Longest Ride¬†by Nicholas Sparks is any better than the movie – it may be since it seemed to me the directing and the acting was at least as much if not more responsible for the horrific viewing experience I put myself through as the writing… but ugh!

Let’s start with the annoying tittering laugh that came from the lead actress. Actually, that’s not really fair; this should be about the writing, right? Because my A-Z is about writing. So I didn’t mention anything at all about the giggle from hell that made my ears feel like they were being attacked by a cheese grater at the least appropriate times in the movie.

(spoilers ahead)

How about instead I talk about Sparks using¬†every single romantic clich√©¬† known to mankind in one story? And misogynist? Oh boy. The story consists of two separate story lines – one taking place in the present (between Luke and Sophia) and one being told by the character played by Alan Alda (who incidentally saved me from chucking my popcorn and walking out). Both relationships can go nowhere but both couples¬†enter it anyway. ¬†The present day romance is between a professional bullrider and an art student who plans to move to New York¬†for the best job evar. At the same time (but not really because it’s happening in the 1940s,) the other couple, Ira and Ruth (Ira is the young Alda) get married despite the fact that she wants a big family but he’s sterile because of an infection he caught in the war. Basically it’s the same story told twice only we’re supposed to believe Alda is teaching the present-day couple something about their own relationship.

Eventually both couples break up (as they do) and Alda states in the movie something like¬†with love must come sacrifice.¬†So both couples have to have their sacrifice and here’s where the misogyny comes in. Ruth can’t stand being childless anymore so she leaves Ira… with two small suitcases. He gets everything else – the house, the dishes, the heat, the roof etc. Meanwhile Luke, who has been slowly trying to kill himself with the bullriding because OMG it’s all I know how to do!¬†gets hurt and Sophia gives up her job in New York.

We switch back to the past to find out Ruth went back to Ira with her two little suitcases – she probably got tired of squeezing herself into them every night to sleep – and then years later she dies... oooh, what could possibly happen with the other story?

Well surprise! Luke goes on to win the biggest bullriding prize there is! Amid flying bull snot and an eight second ride that lasts, by virtue of slo-mo, about three hours, he becomes¬†The Best in the World!! (It didn’t go unnoticed by the way that there was no one in the competition who didn’t have a Texan accent… but Texas is the world, right?) He flies off the bull and stands in the middle of the bullriding area and looks around at the crowd… she’s not there!!! Oh noes! I’ve done this all for nothing!

Meanwhile, after a visit between Sophia and Ira during which she says to him something to the effect of,¬†I’ve really enjoyed meeting you and talking to you,¬†which actually means,¬†I know you’re going to die now but I’m glad I got to know you before you bit the biscuit,¬†he dies!! Holy shit, did I call that one!

So there’s an auction. Ruth had a priceless collection of art because she was an art student too (duh, same story) and Ira conveniently invited (by way of his lawyer) both Sophia and Luke to attend. To get them back together. Because duh.

There’s a portrait of Ruth being auctioned off first and no one seems to want it. The price goes down and down and then Luke, who has just presumably won a kagillion dollars for being The Best Bullrider in the World buys the portrait for $600, thus cementing the relationship between himself and Sophia for all eternity. The end.

Okay no, there’s one little twist I didn’t mention. So if you too would like to go and see this horribly clich√© movie and roll your eyes, giggle in all the wrong spots, and resist the temptation to climb over all the other people in the packed theatre for the final ten minutes of the film, you’ll have something left that I haven’t told you about.

Knock yourself out.

I’m probably going to catch a lot of shit for this review but what the hell. If I can save just one person the money they could otherwise have spent on a bottle of wine or a delicious Big Mac, it’s worth it.

Edit: I suppose since the main character, Luke, lived his entire life in North Carolina, that he has a North Carolinian accent – all sounds Texan to me. But what do I know? I’m Canadian, eh?

EM is for Menstruation

My A-Z Challenge this year contains posts¬†about writing adult content in fiction ‚Äď you will not find any adult fiction within the parameters of the challenge, except for illustration purposes.

People are going to hate me for¬†this, but I gotta say it. The “controversy” all started with the “iconic” scene in¬†50 Shades of Grey¬†where *gasp* Christian Grey removed a tampon from Ana’s¬†down there before he mounted her. And women all over the world tittered or threw up. What. The. Fuck.

Oh but it’s so sickening!¬†they cry. To remove a foreign object from¬†the place¬†a man is going to stick his dick -so what?! Is your blood diseased?¬†Are you not clean¬†down there? If not you might want to reconsider those tampons in the first place, ‘coz it ain’t getting any better! And guys¬†–¬†feeling uneasy about the idea of fucking her during her period? Consider this: get her pregnant and your kid’s comin’ outta that same hole with even MORE blood — head-first! Is that sick or what?¬†If you can’t handle the anatomy, get the hell out of the twat!

And grow the fuck up already!

 

J is for Junk (Adult Content)

My A-Z Challenge this year contains posts¬†about writing adult content in fiction ‚Äď you will not find any adult fiction within the parameters of the challenge, except for illustration purposes.

One of the hardest things I find when writing¬†sex scenes is what to call everything. So many of the common words for breasts: tits, boobs, etc., for the penis: dick, member, etc., and vagina: twat, pussy and so on, not to mention the more flamboyant phrases such as heaving mounds, rock hard man-pole, and warm moist slit, usually make me want to laugh. Depending on the mood of the scene I’ll usually stick to the basics or work my way around them (without resorting to the “down there” of¬†50 Shades fame.) However, the one thing I consistently have a problem with is the buttocks. Bum? Ass? Lower cheeks? Nothing ever seems to fit into a sex scene for me.

What do you consider the best most serious and actually sexy way to say these things? Better yet, what makes you spit your coffee through your nose?

 

G is for General-Rated Movies with Adult-Oriented Content

Ah, going to the movies with the kids. You¬†take a mortgage out on the house to pay¬†for the tickets and the popcorn just to sit down and watch a film that you figure is going to feel¬†only slightly better than stabbing yourself in the temple with a fork. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? The filmmakers¬†fortunately understand¬†this. They know that if they don’t put at least something in a children’s movie for us adults¬†to appreciate, we’d never take our kids to watch them.

And so in some cases you can find brilliant humour. Disney and Pixar have it down to a science, as well as Dreamworks with the Shrek series. I mean seriously, how can you not laugh at this?

What are some of your favourite “adult” moments in movies made for kids?

 

B is for “Blow Me,” and Other Onomatopoeia

My A-Z Challenge this year is about writing adult content in fiction – you will not find any adult fiction within the parameters of the challenge, except for illustration purposes.

Over the years I’ve discovered that there are tricks to writing tantalizing sex scenes. First is not employing¬†overused phrases like “engorged member” and “heaving bosom.” Let’s face it, they’ve been done to death¬†and thus have become¬†fodder for ridicule. Inspiring an eye roll from¬†a reader is more anti-erotic than titillating. So what¬†is erotic?

The second thing on my personal list of how to write a good sex scene is subtlety. There’s really nothing worse than the feeling that you’re reading an organ owner’s manual. i.e. Her bosom heaving, she grasped his engorged member and rubbed it. Then…

No. Just no. Step by step instructions don’t work for anyone with experience. So unless you’re writing specifically for virgins, I’d suggest allowing¬†the reader to use his or her own imagination. Think of it this way – your target audience likely knows what they’re doing even with the lights off. They don’t need you to show up with a megawatt spotlight and a bullhorn to ruin it all for them. Rewriting the previous example with this in mind; With a deep exhalation¬†she reached down and took him in her hand, stroking and guiding… ¬†You get the picture, right? And if you don’t, you’re probably too young to be reading this. Go away.

The third and final point–and the one for which this post is titled–is onomatopoeia. For those of you who have grown a distance from grade six grammar, onomatopoeia is “the use of words whose sound suggests the sense.”*¬†Depending on the softness or the urgency of the sex scene in question, there are just some words that sound better; that roll off the tongue and slip easily into place. “Blow me,” for instance comes across better as a whisper, whereas the phrase “suck it” has the sharp consonants that depict¬†more of a¬†demand. Shorter sentences provide a sense of breathlessness as the scene progresses toward its climax.

These are but a few techniques which, subtle in and of themselves, separate the passages that have a reader reaching for a fan from the ones that have ’em running for the toilet before they pee themselves with laughter. There’s an art to writing an effective sex scene. When you read one, you know it. Writing them takes practice, like anything. Like sex itself.

*Merriam Webster online