An update on the ex thing

When I got home the other day (how long has it been now? Five days?) I decided to go ahead and answer my ex’s mother about the graduation pictures she’s been waiting for, and my ex’s girlfriend about the Christmas present. I had mixed results.

I sent my ex-mother-in-law a zip file of a bunch of photos I had. I’m not sure whether or not she opened the zip file – she never answered me back. Payback maybe? Whatever.

As for the ex’s girlfriend, I wrote back and told her that my son has been asking for a Nintendo 3DS for ages, and “it would be great if you could get him that – thanks!” She replied that she talked to my son on the weekend, and he said he wanted clothes and books. Not to be outdone, I replied, “Great! You can get him the 3DS for his birthday (in two weeks) then! 😀 ” She sent back a note to say she thought he already had a DS. I said he does, but they don’t make games for it anymore. She never answered me back.

My only regret is that I’ve already bought him a laptop. The 3DS will be less than half the price. Then again, I’m not holding my breath that they’ll buy it for him.

After all that, I texted my ex and asked him for an apology. The answer I got back was, “Sorry!”

Was that, I’m so sorry I feel like I need to put an exclamation on it? Or was that, I’m sorry! Now shut up and leave me alone!? Probably the latter. You’ve just gotta laugh.

On the heels of EM the Merciful

I hate the feeling that my goodwill and compassion is being taken advantage of. Without any word of a lie, as much of the time I spend looking after myself, equal to or more time is spent on looking after everyone else. I’m always the first one to say, “don’t worry about it. I’ll do it.” And so I take on everyone else’s burdens. I have a hard time delegating. Especially when I can do most of the things that need to be done faster and more efficiently than those around me can.

I’m exhausted. Both physically and mentally. My frozen shoulder won’t let me sleep during the 5 hours I night I manage to be in bed. The pain is inhuman. When I am awake I’m being pulled in a thousand directions at once: have you done this for me yet? Have you called this doctor for him? That doctor for her? Can you come with me to this or that appointment? Sorry, I’m too busy to help you. Maybe next month… You want the money I owe you? Fuck you.  This is what I listen to every day. And yeah, I allow it. But the truth is, I’m the only one who CAN do three quarters of what I do. It’s why I don’t have a job. Pfft. Like I sit around watching soaps all day.

And then everyone wonders why I go away on vacation alone.

I need a vacation. Again.

H is for He said, he said

My A-Z Challenge this year contains posts about writing adult content in fiction – you will not find any adult fiction within the parameters of the challenge, except for illustration purposes.

I’ve spoken to many writers who have a hard time with dialogue. Making it realistic can be a challenge for some, but for me the main difficulty is apparently writing, “he said,” too often. I work hard on editing it out of all my first drafts. The only thing I don’t have a problem with, it seems, is heterosexual sex scenes. There is often little need for speech.

Where there are some other aspects of sex-scene writing that are awkward in terms of grammar and flow, they tend to be that much harder when the scene involves two (or more) people of the same gender. For the purposes of ease in demonstration, I’ll stick to two males. “He said,” and “he said,” is only part of the problem. The rest of it involves the fact that they both have the same body parts. When a scene is written with breasts and chests for instance, it’s obvious who the writer is talking about when these attributes are mentioned. In the case of two men, well, you get the picture without me describing it for you.

Of course one can use names, but saying, “George’s hand stroked Marvin’s cheek,” and so on gets quite annoying for the reader after a while.  So what to do?

Really the only solution lies in the details. Mentioning that one is older and the other younger is a common way to differentiate in any situation. Taller and shorter, darker and lighter skinned – many things will work – even speech patterns. All things to think about when developing characters from the start.

 

Daily Post – 32 Flavours? NSFW

The Daily Post asks, “Vanilla, chocolate, or something else entirely?”

I’m gonna talk about something else entirely. The straight guys in the audience might want to back out slowly now – or not. Maybe you’ll find this interesting.

Semen. Cum. Jizz. Whatever you want to call it. “They” say (you know who “they” are, right? No? Neither do I.) that what a guy eats will determine what his semen tastes like. I learned this way back in high school – it may have even been in a textbook.

It’s the type of thing that I, as a novelist, might have to research. That, along with “How do you get chlamydia and what happens when a man gets it?”, “What’s the earliest I can find out I’m pregnant?” and “How to go about organizing a public orgy,” would all raise eyebrows among my family members if they were to see my search terms on Google. Thank god (or, well, thank Firefox) for private browsing.

So are there 32 flavours of jizz? I do know the basic flavour is the same, but there are subtleties. Some isn’t as acidic. Some burns the throat. Some loads aren’t as horrible to swallow as others. Regardless, it’s always better warm and straight from the source.

Of course it’s all internet research I’m going by. Honest.

Daily Prompt – A teacher of life

The Daily Post prompt today is: What makes a teacher great?

A great teacher of life allows his student to make her own mistakes.
A great teacher of life teaches by example.
These may take longer than to tell, or to teach using books,
but they are lessons more likely to stay with the student throughout her lifetime.

A real conversation in my house Pt. 3

Well that went downhill fast ~~~~

Chris: Did you eat an egg?

Me: Yes.

Chris: Why did you eat an egg?

Me: Because I like them.

Chris: Did I used to be an egg in your tummy?

Me: Yes.

Chris: Did you have sex with my dad so I could be an egg in your tummy?

Me: Yes.

Chris: Ok.

Daily Prompt: Just for Confidential Giggles

Are you good at what you do? What would you like to be better at?

I had to think about what it is I do. For the purposes of this pseudonymous blog I don’t want to get into what my “job” is–in fact I don’t really have one as such. Yes, I take care of my family blah blah blah… noble work, worthwhile and all that, but what do I do? What’s the core of what I do?

I survive. On limited resources which include (or not) money, energy, focus, stress-induced adrenaline, and laughter. I think it’s that last one that’s key to my survival. Just yesterday I said to someone that if I didn’t laugh I’d cry, so why not laugh?

It’s not survival of the fittest – the fittest I’m not. It’s survival of the funniest. And yeah, most of the time I’m damned good at it. Would I like to be better? Hand me that red rubber ball for my nose and I’ll let you know.

Find the Daily Post here.

What comes around

Ugh, these viruses. We go out in public and we watch, don’t we? Avoiding those who sneeze or cough at all costs. We use hand sanitizer like it’s dishwater after Christmas dinner – we soak in it. Hell, we’d bathe in it if we could. Okay, maybe that’s just me; it gives you an idea of how much I don’t want to catch something nasty.

BUT. We can’t always rely on the fact that even though people don’t appear to be sick, they might be. According to my observations, it takes about 3 days from the time one gets infected until the symptoms show up. If I haven’t been out of the house in a while but I start to feel ill, I can usually count back and figure out where I picked up the sneaky asshole of a bug.

And then there are the people I live with. Unlike me they have lives. They go out and socialize every day. Then they come home. And don’t ya know, I still finish their meals and drink from their glasses because they LOOK fine…

I have a sickie in my basement right now. He has to come up eventually–there’s no washroom down there…

Standing at the top of the stairs armed with my bottle of hand sanitizer is a hard way to spend a day. But I’m not taking any chances.

Another real conversation in my house

Scene: Standing at the kitchen counter with my BFF, John.

Me: (drops something) Shit.

John: (reaches for it) You just wanted to see me bend down. (groans as he stands back up)

Me: Yeah, the sound effects are so sexy.

John: Porn for seniors.

Me: Porn with a soundtrack from the hospital.

John: Now that’s sexy.

Both: Double up laughing.

Okay, maybe you had to be there.

Well don’t I suck

I lasted four days at “3 Words A Day.” I’m giving up because all I managed to get out of it was a headache and a bunch of boring posts. So boring that not even the host of the prompt could be bothered to “like” them. That’s gotta be the reason, right?

Right, well. Now I need some inspiration. Any suggestions on prompts that don’t insist that you commit? I really don’t want to suck at this prompt business.